The Truth of The Gate
by Vampiric Blood Goddess
Summary: Edward sees no solution to regain his brother's body and falls into a sate of depression and anger. He has feelings he recently learned to accept but cannot ignore. Roy finds Ed in this state and tries to help, how will this play out? (This is a YAOI fic, don't like? Your in the wrong section)
1. Chapter 1 - Breaking Down

**Chapter 1: Breaking Down**

My name is Edward Elric. Now, I am eighteen, and still a dog of the military. Sure, the pay is good, and they offer free housing to state alchemists, but I hate having to take orders from them. I didn't need them for library access anymore, Alphonse and I have read everything on the Philosopher's Stone, that's including the classified files. My brother and I recently purchased an apartment close to work rather than living in the apartments on base. I live in Central mostly with my brother Alphonse, my brother, Aunt Pinako, and my childhood friend Winry when I'm in Resembool about once or twice a month. Right now "Führer Fire Farts" doesn't have any useless errands for me to run, or paperwork for me to do, and now that he was recently elected as the new Führer, his ego is bigger than ever. I am currently in Resembool, although I plan on going back to Central for the remainder of my time off. I justified my early departure with my family with the excuse of needing time alone to think, which was partly true. I laid on my bed in Aunt Pinako's home, staring at the ceiling. I'm tired, but unable to sleep. Sad but unable to cry anymore. I wanted to leave, but couldn't find the strength to move from the bed. All I could do was think of how I falsely lead my brother into thinking he and I could be normal again. There was no way I could help him. There is only one way of creating a philosopher stone and that involves a large number of human sacrifices, tolling in the thousands. I have no idea what to do and we haven't made any progress in finding alternatives.

I heard heavy metal clanking, followed by the sound of the front door closing and knew Alphonse had returned from getting groceries with Aunt Pinako. I was in the process of cleaning our room as Aunt Pinako walked in, followed by Winry, "You're leaving now? Are you sure you don't want to stay at least for dinner?" I closed my second suit case and set them both down by the door. As Aunt Pinako and Alphonse unloaded the bags. "I want to spend some time by myself, I need to think somethings through. I'll stay longer next time, I promise." I wasn't lying. There was a lot bothering me and somethings I needed to figure out. "Okay then. We hope you have a safe trip. Call us often, you know we're always here for you Edward." with that, Pinako left. Winry stepped closer to me,"Promise you'll call when you're ready to come back home?" It was more of a demand than a question. I agreed after a life threatening hug and kiss on the cheek from Winry. I grabbed my suit cases and headed out the door, waving to Alphonse who has been awkwardly silent. As soon as I heard the taxi start, I ran to the awaiting vehicle. I had a sad smile on my face. I was relived to be alone at last. I stared out the window, watching the country scenery pass quickly as the car sped up. It felt strange and wrong leaving Al back at Pinako's, but it was necessary.

–

I arrived at the train station. I thanked and payed the driver before I boarded the train, moving as quickly as I could. It would be a few hours before I got back to Central, so I began to read notes I wrote a while back that I haven't been over in years. It didn't last long, my mind was distracted... it's all his fault. I tried to ignore it for the past two years, pretending to still hate him, insulting him when I got jealous, why should I be jealous of who he dates? It took me two years to accept and admit I had feelings for a man, not publicly of course. It hurt really, to watch someone you fell in love with eyeballing women and dating someone different every week. He's not even mine and I felt betrayed. I believe it hurts more, because I can't act on these emotions. And not because of the fear or rejection, it's that I feel it would be wrong of me to find happiness before Alphonse could. Unable to feel being touched, kissed, unable to eat or taste, unable to do anything that makes life enjoyable. I couldn't imagine what it would feel like to lose everything like he has. All I lost was an arm and leg, it's possible to live without them and find a way to be happy but Alphonse won't with the way he's living. It was all my fault he was in that metal body, the reason for the loss of my right arm and left leg. I could feel my face grow hot and tears racing down my face. I let my head fall into my hands as I sobbed silently. "I'm so sorry Alphonse..." I whispered to the floorboards below my feet. I continued to stay like this for the rest of the ride. I had myself to blame for falling in love with that Bastard Führer!

I arrived at Central City's train station with a tear stained face, exhausted, and a bad case of the hiccups. My bangs covered most of my face, so no one could see how terrible I looked or the tracks from the now dried tears that I didn't bother to wipe away. I slowly walked out into the streets of Central for almost an hour, and it was nearly another hour walk to my apartment. Lost in my thoughts I didn't realize a car slowed down and was following me. I heard a honk of the horn and nearly jumped out of my skin. I dropped my luggage and watched as the car pulled up to me and stopped. My hiccups stopped too. The backseat window rolled down, and just my luck, it was that bastard Führer. "Where are you off to, pipsqueak?" he asked with a smirk leaning out the window. "None of your business." I took a deep breath and sighed, I was so depressed by that point I didn't even care about the short joke, or the fact that my heart skipped a beat when his deep voice reached my ears. To be honest I wasn't that much shorter than him now. I began to picked up my bags and clothes from the street and walk off. One of the locks broke off one of the cases when I dropped them so I carried it under my arm rather than by the handle. Before his face was out of my sight, his infamous smirk disappeared and was replaced with a look of concern. Once more the car was slowly following me, "Edward, get in the car." was all I heard him say before he stepped out of the car and stopped me with a firm grip on my human arm. I looked up at him with eyes full of tears. I didn't want to be seen by him like this. I felt pathetic, exposed, and weak. "Please. I'll give you a ride home." That word rung in my ears for a moment. It was said with a deep level of worry.

I didn't even argue. This surprised him the most I think. I sat in the car and scooted over to the opposite end so Roy could get in after me. Before he climbed in, I saw him toss my stuff in the trunk. "Fullmetal, whats wrong? I've never seen you like this..." He paused for a moment after closing the car door. He motioned his hand at the driver to roll up the window between the backseat and front of the car. The car began to move and I just stared at him. I didn't know if I should say that I was confused as to why he even cared, tell him how I felt towards him, or how I feel so worthless and weak. "I can't tell you." the words left my lips before they registered in my brain. I felt the tears break through. I looked away quickly and tried my best to collect myself. I vigorously wiped my face and stared out the window. I couldn't hold it back for some reason. My body was shaking and I could hear how pathetic I sounded but I was so angry at him too. The harder I tried to stop, the worse I looked. "Edward." I wiped my eyes again and looked over to him. I didn't want to. I didn't want him to see, but I looked anyway. When I saw the look on Roy's face, my heart sank. He looked so confused and worried. Why did he look like that? "I'm sorry." I wasn't sure how to respond. "I'm sorry..." my heart was pounding, he was so close to my face. The next thing that happened surprised me the most. Roy wrapped his arms around me pulling me close in a tight hug. He laid my head in the crook of his neck and held me tight. I leaned into him, inhaling his sweet scent that was purely Roy, not fully registering what I was doing. "Edward, I don't know what's wrong and you don't have to tell me, but I feel it would be wrong of me to leave you by yourself like this. I would like you to stay with me for a while. That is, if you're okay with that." I looked up at him, tears having stopped flowing a while ago. "Okay." was all I could say before letting my wall crumble completely. I pushed away from him and faced the window crossing my arms trying to compose myself. I couldn't allow myself to be comforted so easily and enjoy it. I couldn't bottle this up anymore. I need to let this out. I need to talk, but at the same time, I couldn't. Eventually, I passed out without realizing it.

I awoke in a bed. I was still very tired and I didn't sleep that well either. I looked around. It was a nice room. Very organized and neat. Most likely a guest room, but it still smelled strongly of Roy. I laid back into the pillows and stayed like that for a while, just to try and relax. I looked around and saw my black jacket and red coat folded neatly on a dresser near the door. I stood up out of the bed, fixing the messed up sheets and cover. My shoes were at the foot of the bed. My hair was down too, my hair band was around my wrist. I may have done that in my sleep... or maybe I didn't. How did I sleep through that? Just the thought of Roy undressing me while I was unconscious made me shiver. I still had my pants, tank top, and socks and such...but even so, it made me wish he hadn't. I didn't need to be taken care of like that. I walked over to the dresser where my suit cases were placed, there was a note pinned to my jacket.

**'Edward, I took the liberty of unpacking your things for you. Your clothes are in the wardrobe and dresser. Your books and such are on the second desk in the study downstairs. I had to run a few errands. I should be back in a short while. Please, make yourself at home. ~Roy'.**


	2. Chapter 2: Exposure to Weakness

**Chapter 2: Exposure to Weakness**

I looked around the room a second time and saw my suit cases lock was fixed. I set the note down and walked back over to the bed to sit down, thinking about what happened probably hours ago. I have no idea how long I've been out. I can't believe I broke down like that, and in front of Mustang no less! I was like a weak child in his hands. He couldn't actually care, could he? No, he's probably going to use this as black mail to hold over my head so I'm more obedient. I guarantee he had a hidden camera or something... Then again, he didn't actually know I'd be back or that I was such a mess, did he? Inhaling deeply, I sighed and got back up. I walked over to the dresser which had my coat and jacket folded neatly on to it and picked up the note to re-read it. When I finished, I folded it and put it in the back cover of my journal that was buried in my coat pocket. I opened my suitcase and grabbed a long sleeve shirt and a pair of gray jeans.

After dressing, I slowly and carefully made my way over to the door and opened it just enough to poke my head through. I looked around, observing every detail of the hall while listening for any form of noise. It was two stories high, or at least I'm assuming such by looking over at the staircase. I stepped out of the room and closed it behind me, heading down stairs. I stood at the foot of the stair case, one hand on the railing and the other in my pocket. I scanned the room, looking at everything and comparing it to how it doesn't fit Mustang's personality really. It was a nice, clean, and unusually organized house: There was a fireplace with a big comfy sofa and a reclining chair placed delicately before it, his kitchen and dining room were one room, and he even had a booth table in his kitchen with a window! I walked around, studying each room. I came across the study and examined his small library, which had a very nice selection of what looked like porn (not surprised). I snooped around his desk, work he took home, bills, and other boring items. I'm having a really hard time accepting Mustang is actually average. I was expecting something like a cluttered mess, sex toys and edible lube hidden in random spots here and there, and old Xing take out on a coffee table accompanied by a floozy passed out on the ground. But no, none of that.

I headed back upstairs to do some more investigating. Maybe his room is full of that crap? The first two doors were a guest room and a bathroom. The next one was the one I was staying in... that sounds strange. I'm living with my boss. I'm living with Mustang. Womanizer of Central, Führer Bastard, the infamous Flame Alchemist. What have I gotten myself into?! I opened another door and saw a pile of dirty clothes and a messy bed. The bathroom door was ajar and the light was on. Dresser drawers were rummaged through and not put back while the night stand had a picture frame and a few envelopes. I tip toed over to the side table and picked up the picture. I stared at it for a while. There was Hawkeye, Havoc, Falman, Fury, Breda, Huges (who was shoving one of his million pictures of Elisia in Roy's face), Alphonse, Me, and half of Armstrong. I gawked at the sight. Mustang didn't seem to be the sentimental type. Interesting. I set the frame back were I found it. Snooping over to the bathroom, I peered around the door before opening it all the way. I have to say, the man likes blue. Blue shower curtains, toilet cover, shampoo, razors, towels, ect. I turned off the light that was left on, closed the door, and headed for the door that led out of the room. Then as I passed the pile of dirty clothes, I felt something squish between my exposed toes. A disgusting shiver ran up my spine and I looked down to see a half empty, knocked over box of rice. "Well there's the old take out..." I grabbed the nearest wash cloth and wiped it off, tossing the rag into the pile of dirty clothes. "Were you looking for left-overs? I think this would taste better." a deep voice said behind me as I heard the door creak open. I jumped out of my skin. "W-what? No... eh. I just stepped..." I panicked, not even knowing what I was saying. All I knew was I couldn't make a complete, logical sentence. "Right. May I ask what your doing in my room, Fullmetal?" He's calling me Fullmetal again. "Uh... I need to use the bathroom!" I smiled, trying to change the subject. I brushed past him quickly almost knocking what was in his hands on the floor before being stopped by his words. "Wrong way." I quickly made a U-turn and headed the other way. "I know." I closed and locked the bathroom door behind me. I am such a moron. I looked in the mirror and saw my face was still as tired looking and puffy as it had been before from all the crying I had done this morning.

I headed down stairs and saw Mustang sitting at his dining room table, eating what looked like more Xing take out. "I'm not a very talented cook, so I hope this will be fine." he said with a half chewed mouthful of rice. "I'm not hungry." I replied, sitting across from him. My stomach growled loudly. I hadn't had anything to eat since I left Resembool. "Your stomach says otherwise. Eat." Mustang handed me two different boxes and a cup of sauce. Sweet and Sour Chicken and Pork Fried Rice. "Thanks, but I'm not in the mo-" He threw a pair of chopsticks at me, effectively cutting me off. "Don't make me feed you." He glared at me. "Traitor." I mumbled as I poked my stomach and quickly grabbed the chopsticks, slowly beginning to eat. "Whats bothering you?" I looked up with a mouthful of chicken. "What are you talking about? I'm fine!" I faked a big smile. "You were crying like a child, asking me not to leave you alone in your sleep. Something is definitely wrong, especially when you don't respond to height jokes." He set down his food and stared at me intently. I dropped the chopsticks in my food. "Careful Mustang, you're starting to sound like you give a rats ass." I looked away from him and stared at my lap. "Well maybe I do. What else am I supposed to do when someone I care deeply for is hurting and won't tell me why?" his words echoed in my mind for a minute or so. "I want to kill myself..." I could feel the tears coming back, but I was able to hold them back for now. I heard him get up from his seat and felt him grab me as he pulled me out of my seat and to the sofa where he proceeded to throw me into the soft leather.

The only thing lighting the room was the fireplace and the dim kitchen light over the table that seeped around one of the walls. I looked up at Mustang's face. He looked like an abused puppy who just got kicked in the face. "Why?" his voice cracked and he looked as if he was going to cry. I just stared as he moved from his seat and knelt down next to me. "Tell me." He was angry now. I waited a minute or so before answering him. "I ruined his life before it could start... I took everything away from him," I couldn't even recognize my own voice. It sounded so foreign to me, "It was all for such a selfish reason and he's paying for my foolishness... He didn't even want to do it either..." I felt the tears begin to fall and covered my face. "And he doesn't hate me for it but he should! He should want to beat me to a pulp for taking his life away! For taking away everything! Every experience, good or bad...everything! I don't want him to leave but I feel as if he should. I don't deserve him as a brother. My mistake has cost him so much and me so little... and I can't act on these feelings I've recently realized I had for... I can't because Al can't do anything! Especially if he ever developed a crush or a desire for something as simple as another human touch..." I felt strong arms sit me up and wrap around me gently. I stopped crying by then. I tried pushing him away but couldn't. It was like all my strength left at once. Part of me wanted this and the other was screaming at me to fight him away. I looked up at him. He had a look in his eyes, a mix of sadness and hurt. I stopped fighting. He looked as if his heart was ripped out and served to him on a platter. "Edward..." He leaned down and pressed his forehead on mine. I closed my eyes as he hugged me tighter.


	3. Chapter 3: Learining to Forgive

**Chapter 3: Learning to Forgive but Never Forget**

What happened next I would have never expected to happen (just in dreams). He leaned down quick as his lips crashed into mine. His lips lingered on mine for a few moments and he slowly pulled away. "Edward, stop talking like that please... please just stop..." He was begging, I was frozen. "Everyone would miss you. If you didn't rant and rave about your height every time someone made a comment there'd be no one to make us laugh. If I didn't see your bright golden eyes full of attitude and spark, completely full of life and energy, storm through my office after every mission yelling at me with that smart ass attitude, there would be no exciting wait." He was smiling as he caressed my face with his soft hands as tears rolled off his cheeks. "The world would stop completely if you were gone. What would Alphonse do if you left him?" He sounded angry, "Especially in the state he's in?! What would all your friends do without you? What would all those people who you helped do if they found out you chickened out and killed yourself? I wouldn't know what to do if you were gone. There would be no reason to continue living. Without you, everything seems so damn dull and boring. You make everything exciting and worth while. I know Alphonse will be able to experience everything you have or will, I know you can restore your bodies. You just have to keep looking and believe in yourself again." he leaned down and pressed his fore head to mine and closed his eyes. "Why would you miss me, everything other problem I cause?" I asked my heart pounding. He opened his eyes and let go of my arms. "Where you listening at all!?" my heart felt like it was being ripped to a million pieces.

The phone rang a moment later as soon as Roy was about to answer my very important question... perfect timing... "Excuse me." Roy got up and headed to the kitchen phone, he didn't even look at me. I got up from the table and headed out to the parlor. I laid down on the couch and stared at the ceiling fan. I felt so small. I listened to Roy's voice as he talked to whoever. Probably a girlfriend. Then I realized... he kissed me. I could feel my eyes widen as my fingers ran over my lips. His lips touched mine... he kissed me. I sat up quickly just as Roy came into the back room. I sat up and moved to the right side of the sofa in case Roy was going to sit too. "That was Alphonse on the phone," definitely not a girlfriend, "he wanted to know where you were since you didn't call and he's been calling the apartment for hours. I told him you were staying with me because you weren't acting like yourself and-" I cut him off there, "WHAT! Now he's going to worry and might come down here! He can't see me like this!" jumping off the couch, I was beginning to panic, "Edward relax!" a hand over my mouth silenced me. "I'm just kidding! I know how you two react to each other so I told him you were just fine and you'll call him tomorrow! I told him I offered you a ride and you ended up staying later than expected. I lied to him and said you passed out after eating and were in the guest room." I was slightly relieved. His hand moved away from my face and rested on my shoulder. "You look tired, why don't you go to bed?" I looked up at him feeling my eye lids become very heavy, now that he mentioned it. "I don't wanna... be alone." I the last part was barely audible. "What?" He questioned."...I don't want to be alone, okay. I'm afraid of being left alone!" I almost yelled. "Then lay with me." I felt my face grow hot. I knew I was blushing like a mad man. "I can't do that!" I pushed him lightly turning the opposite direction of him,"Why not?". "Because I can't." he laughed. "I'm serious!" I turned back now angry. "Right." was all he said. Roy then wrapped one arm under my back and one under both my legs. Before I could complain or fight, saying I can walk on my own, his gave me a look that told me to be quiet. Roy carried me up to his room, which was now clean and there was no old Xing food on the floor. "Go an change into your night clothes, I'm going to get a shower." Roy pointed to my suitcases that were moved into his room at some point, before going into the bathroom.

I picked my suitcases up and headed for the guest room bathroom. I undressed down to my underwear and threw my dirty clothes in the laundry hamper. I stared at myself in the full length mirror on the wall next to the shower for a while, I started at my shoulders following my automail arm down to my legs. My left hand reached slowly for my fake arm and stopping short, I sighed and closed my eyes allowing my head to drop into my left hand. I felt a hand on my shoulder, "Are you alright?" Roy was dressed in a t-shirt and baggy gray pants, "Yeah, I'm fine..." I looked at the mirror again. I'm in my underwear. "WAIT! Get out, get out out! I'm not dressed you weirdo!" I pushed him out of the door closing it behind him as he was laughing hysterically. I dressed quickly in a tank top and shorts. By the time I got out Roy had turned out all the lights except the one in his room. I crept down the hall and peered into his room. I opened Roy's door and saw him sitting on his bed putting socks on. He looked at me and smiled.

Roy laid down and pulled me down on the opposite side of the bed and covered me us before crawling under the covers next to me shutting the light out. I scooted away from him a bit but he pulled me closer to him into the crook of his neck with his chin rested on my head. I could feel him breathing on me and his heart beating against my face. He had one arm wrapped under me and bent to hold my head close to him while the other held my automail arm. "Roy." he made a noise that sounded like a yes. "What are you doing?" I felt one of his legs move over both of mine ensuring I wouldn't be able to move. "Holding you." I wiggled my fingers and feet, "Why?" he stroked my hair and spoke softly, "Because you need it, and I don't want to take the chance of you doing something stupid like going off and dying somewhere." I looked up, I of course couldn't see him because of the lack of light but I could feel he was looking back. "I'm sorry for upsetting you earlier." I could feel myself blush again, I rested my head on his shoulder. "I didn't answer your question either." I had forgotten about that. "I'm not stupid and I know that you've had a crush on me for a while, I found out first when you were talking in your sleep in my office when I was a General." I felt my heart jump and my body go cold. "To be honest I developed feelings for you too the past few years but I didn't want to say anything because both of us would lose our jobs. But now all this has happened..." I couldn't form words, "I couldn't bring you to my house because the guards gossip and the servants would become suspicious of a man staying with me." he continued to run his fingers through my hair and twirl it in his hand. "I'm sorry." his grip loosened, "Don't be I enjoy this more than you know. But I can't stay long, like I said the guards and servants are gossips." a wave of disappointment washed over me. "So, where are we staying now?" I used my automail hand to remove his hand from my hair. "An apartment close to work I stay in when I lie about going on vacations." why would he lie about going on vacation? "When do you go back to work?" he rested his chin on my head again, "Tomorrow. Then I have to stay at my place with the guards who gossip and the servants who get suspicious." I laughed lightly and stopped when I realized I'd be alone again. The conversation ended with that, he and I eventually fell asleep.


	4. Chapter 4: Relish in the Moment

**IMPORTANT!  
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******I know I normally update on Friday or Sunday, since I'm late I'm uploading Chapter four early. Note that I am extremely embarrassed that not only did I write this but I'm posting it... in my opinion no matter what I do to this chapter its a pile of garbage. (Also I forgot who but I fixed the "Chinese" food thing because it started to bug me after you told me). Enjoy there are like maybe two or three chapters after this, probably two. Please review I enjoy your feedback it makes me wanna write more, especially when its good.  
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**Thanks!  
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**~VampiricBloodGoddess  
**

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**Chapter 4: Relish in the Moment**

I woke up alone, I lifted my head slightly. Roy's work clothes that were hung up behind the door were gone. I sat up rubbing my eyes while wrestling out of the blankets and sheets I somehow managed to tangle myself in. I stood and walked out into the hall, assuming I was supposed to be alone, I heard movement downstairs. I quietly made my way downstairs, gawking at what I saw. Roy, was cooking? "Morning." it was muffled but audible, he had toast in his mouth frantically moving about in front of the stove. "Do... you... eh, you want help.?" he shook his head and motioned me to have a seat.

After watching his attempted clean up he handed me a plate of eggs, bacon and a bowl of oatmeal. Judging by the smell it was strawberry. Roy was already sitting across from me already eating. I grabbed my fork and spoon eating as well. "How are you feeling today?" he looked up at me with a smirk. Even though he was playing cool I knew by the look in his eyes he was worried. "I think I'm okay. Just a little tired. Thank you for breakfast." I heard him sigh in relief as I finished eating. I need to call Alphonse. I looked up from my plate and watched Roy look through a magazine while egg almost missing his half open mouth, talk about being nose deep in a book, or magazine rather. "Führer Mustang, do you mind if I use your phone?" He peered at me from over his raised fork. "That s a little insulting. I have confessed my love for you and you re still going to call me Führer? I suppose formality is better than an insult." He sighed deeply and pointed to the phone at the edge of the counter near the kitchen door. "I'm sorry. I-" I sighed rather loudly, more than expected. "I don't know what to do or how to act. This is all brand new to me. I'm sorry for insulting." I looked down at my lap mentally beating in my brain and feeling sick to my stomach from embarrassment. Damn it why am I always messing up in front of him! I feel so weak like this. "It's fine, really don't worry about it." He smiled softly at me as I looked up through my bangs that were hiding my face.

"WHAT!" Alphonse really needed to calm down. "Don't worry I'm fine. I'm going back to work early, if I do that I can have longer vacation time next time." Alphonse was still freaking out a little. "Well what if you need me! Or if you go on a mission! We both know you can't go alone, what would you do without me!" I pulled the phone away from my ear until he stopped screaming at me. "Thanks for having so much trust in me Al, I can always count on you to make me feel better. Anyway Mustang told me that I have mostly desk work for the next week or so, if I do get assigned a mission outside of central or one that seems too much of a risk to go alone before I tell you to come back to central and I'm okay then I'll tell you to meet me where ever. Promise." Alphonse stopped panicking. "Alright brother but be careful. You get any mission that's not desk work you call me, okay!" We talked for about an hour more until I remembered I was using Roy's phone line and that means it was his phone bill. I hung up the phone and looked at the time; it was three fifty-two p.m. I sighed and looked across the room where Roy was at breakfast, the area was now cleared and cleaned up dishes put away. When did he leave? I didn't even notice. I thought I was on the phone for only an hour.

I ventured into the study and snooped through his library. I then spotted a navy blue book on the floor with a lock on it. A diary? I picked it up and saw the alchemy symbol that was also on Roy's gloves. The lock was undone and left there; did he purposely leave this where I would find it? Nah, there's no way. I opened the first page and glanced at it for a moment before changing my mind. I closed and locked it. I threw the book on his desk behind me and turned back around continuing my search through his books. I found a few alchemy related and grabbed some of the books I brought with me to the parlor. I threw the sixth book I read in the pile of useless books I already read. So far only three of the twenty I checked out are at all reliable for what I want to do. I also took at least eighteen more pages worth or notes. I leaned back in the chair and stretched yawning. Usually this was the time where Al and I would argue on if I needed a break or not. I laughed at myself. I put away everything exactly as I found it, and picked up the books I had thrown to the ground placing them on the desk. I shut off the lights walking out of the room shutting the door behind me. I stepped out into the kitchen and stared at the clock for a few moments. Its eight thirty p.m. and Mustang's still not home. He must be working late. I pushed those thoughts aside and decided to make something for dinner. I m not the greatest chief (compared to Alphonse anyway) but I picked up a few things living with just me and my brother. Alphonse usually was the I-Love-Cooking-So-Much-Try-This-and-This-and-This type but even so I learned a lot from him. I rummaged through the almost empty refrigerator and grabbed a few things that if combined would make a decent dinner. I looked at the ingredients on the counter. The only thing I could think of that I could possibly make with this is Chicken-Cordon Bleu and not to toot my own horn or anything but I can kick Alphonse's ass at making that! I grinned to myself internally hoping that Roy would like it! I ran upstairs and grabbed a bandanna out of my drawer in the guest room and explored the kitchen closet and found an apron.

After cutting sliced of ham I began to unwrap the chicken breasts and wash them, I grabbed a cutting board and began cutting. I also had a pot of corn cooking and baked potatoes in the oven to make fresh mashed potatoes. I was at the point of putting the chickens in the oven after stuffing them with ham and lots of cheese then breading them. I set a timer and took the potatoes out and threw them in a bowl peeling them quickly and with ease. I grabbed some butter out of the fridge and tossed a glob in the steamy hot potatoes. I mashed them as fast as I could and grabbed a strainer for the corn. I walked over to the stove and grabbed the pot of corn taking it over to the sink and strained it off. I dumped the corn into a bowl and added salt, pepper, and butter. I smiled at my work. I then remembered I forgot to salt and pepper the potatoes, quickly fixing my error. The timer went off. I took out two plates and set them at the table with forks and knives. I rushed over to the oven with mitts on. I took out the chickens and set them on top of the stove while I got a serving platter. I set each chicken on the platter with ease and then brought everything to the table. I started to put the dishes I dirtied in the sink and hung the apron back up in the kitchen closet and threw my bandanna on the counter. I grabbed a handful of napkins and put them at the table. Just then I felt a pair of arms wrap around my waist. "AHH!" I jumped and turned around to see Roy laughing. I punched him in the arm, "Don't do that you jerk!" I was so busy with cooking I didn't even hear the door unlock. "Your such a great little house wife." Roy sat down and piling a little bit of everything onto his plate. I suddenly felt my stomach fill with nervous butterflies. Maybe I should have ordered something delivered? What if he doesn't like it? What if– "This is amazing! Where did you learn to cook like this!" my panicky thoughts ceased not realizing I was staring creepily at Roy eating. "Ehhh, it was a recipe I learned from Alphonse, I changed a few things though." I sat down and grabbed a plateful before Roy inhaled all of it; he was already almost heading for seconds. I stared as he ate flabbergasted, he actually liked it?

Throughout the entire meal he was complimenting it. You don t cook often do you? He looked up at me from his now empty plate and swallowed his last mouthful of food. "Nope, I usually eat out. No pun intended, I've never had someone cook for me either." I watched him smile. I could feel a light blush cover my face. His face suddenly became pale like he remembered something horrifying and his smile vanished. "O-oh, I just remembered did you happen to see a book I dropped this morning? I could find where I fell and I was in a hurry so I–" I laughed at his worried look and his frightened face looked worse. "Don't worry, I didn't read it I saw it with it's lock in your study and threw it on your desk." The color returned to Roy's face as he sighed and relaxed a little. "So, do you have room for dessert?" Roy jumped up and his eyes widened. "What?" I laughed again, "I m just kidding." Roy glared at me, "You are such a tease!" Roy slumped in his chair and pouted. "Do you want me to be?" I gave him a very sultry glance as I looked at him through the corner of my eye. Roy looked back at me with a lecherous look. I kind of regretted what I said in that tone. "Eh, I didn't mean that I–ohhh!" just then Roy jumped up and scooped me up in his arms carrying me bridal style. "I think I will have dessert tonight." He carried me upstairs despite all my complaining, though I didn't complain long. I was thrown gently on to Roy's bed, the white sheets surrounding me puffed up around me filling my nose with Roy's sent. Roy then climbed on top of me letting his body weigh me down so I wouldn't move, not that I would. Our foreheads were pressed together as our lips brushed up against each others. Roy's tongue slipped out of his mouth and grazed over my bottom lip begging for entrance, I sighed into the kiss, but it came out more of a moan. I was shocked by my own noise. "Oh shit, was that me?" I questioned in disbelief, slapping my hand over my mouth. Roy just laughed.

Roy's left hand ran through the back of my hair slowly as his other hand wrapped around my upper back, nails digging into my clothes threatening to rip. He began to grind his hips into me causing me to gasp and moan into his kisses. "R-Roy!" I moaned his name slowly, I moved in nervously, closing the space between us as his mouth opened just enough to slip his tongue out to lick my upper lip cautiously. I gasped and his tongue moved in my mouth. It swirled around, exploring every inch of my mouth. Eventually, I caught on and responded to his actions. His hands moved over my face and caressed my cheeks, and brushing my hair out of my eyes. We then parted for air and I looked at him. He was smiling. "Do you really love me?" his smile faded and he stopped. I frowned and was pulling away. I was just kidding myself. I'm just a toy. "I've been in love with you for years. I never acted on it because... well, you were clearly underage and... I was afraid of you rejecting me. But over the past year or so I recognized I wasn't the only one, or at least I hoped, you seemed to have developed a crush on me too." he pulled me back down on the bed. He pulled me close to him and kissed my forehead. He pulled away and all I was able to make out was a quiet, "I love you too..." my eyes were half lidded and I felt like I was going to drool. I could feel him smirking when he kissed me again. It was better than the first one. I moaned in a low throaty tone. Roy looked at me to try and figure out what I wanted him to do. "Keep going." I murmured as I pulled him back down.

Roy kissed me again and trailed down to my neck and shoulder. "Ah-hhhh. Roy." he bit and sucked between my neck and shoulder, most likely leaving marks. But I didn't care, it felt good. He straddled my hips, never moving his lips from my skin as his hands roamed around. His hands moved gently over my nipples trough my tank top and he rubbed them, causing me to gasp and lean into every touch. He lifted my shirt off. His lips moved from my neck down to my chest, leaving a trail of kisses as he removed my shirt. He smiled, looking up at me and kissing me again, making my body turn to mush and sending waves of pleasure all over. All I could do is lay there and purr as he touched me. He kissed and sucked on my neck again, leaving marks all over. His hands were moving up and down my chest, brushing against my nipples occasionally. Then they moved lower. I felt myself growing harder for a while now and quickly became embarrassed. I nervously tried to avoid him touching lower or from lowering his waist. "What's wrong? Too far?" it took me a minute to realize he was talking, "Ed?". "Um, no." I stuttered. "If you want me to stop at any point, I will. No questions asked or complaints." with that I let him continue even though I wasn't sure how to act.

His left hand caressed my hip slowly, running his fingers over the band on my pants. I knew I was fully erect now. Roy's hand lazily rubbed my erect member through the fabric of my pants and I bucked my hips into his hand, unable to control my reaction. He removed his hand. I was a little disappointed at the loss of contact but made sure not to show it. He made a trail of kisses from my nipples to just below my belly button. I could feel his erection brush against my leg as he moved lower. He fiddled with my belt and zipper for a few minutes before undoing them completely. He pulled my pants down as I worked on his, or at least tried to before he shooed my hands away and did it himself quickly. He kicked off his pants and threw mine along with his, leaving both of us now in our underwear. He lowered his waist over mine and rocked his hips against my erection. I moaned and pushed up into him, panting and already sweating. He did this as he unbuttoned and threw his shirt off to the floor to accompany our pants. He stopped and grabbed the band around my underwear. Before he could even ask permission, he removed my underwear and started slowly stroking me, "A-A-ahhh. R-roy!" then he took me in his mouth. I threw my head back and moaned lightly. I didn't want to be too loud. He sucked lightly as I looked down and watched his head bobbing up and down slowly. It felt so good. I felt him smirk as he listened to me panting and wiggling under him. Every few seconds, he would suck or lick the tip, making my breath hitch and making me whine. I tried so hard to keep myself in check and voice quiet. He sped up and I felt a heat pool near my groin. I knew what was happening but I couldn't warn him. I tried, but every time I tried to speak, he gave a hard suck and all I could do is groan and keep myself from bucking up into his mouth. I cried out his name as I came in his mouth. I pushed myself back down against the pillows, feeling the little waves of pleasure move through my body as they slowly faded. I was still semi-hard. I could feel it as he came up to my face and kissed me again. I heard him swallow just before our lips touched again. We stopped for air and just stared at each other for a moment before starting again. This time was different.

"Do you want to keep going?" he sounded as if he were hoping for me to say I wanted more. He was breathing heavy, hovering inches from my face. I nodded, unable to bring myself to speak, knowing I'd not be able to form a real sentence. He then leaned over and reached in his side table, pulling out a bottle of lube. I felt my face grow hot again as I watched him pour a pretty decent amount on his fingers and move it around. There was just enough light from the window to read the label, 'Fun Edible Lube', it took all of me to keep from laughing. He spread my legs a little further and pressed his fingers at my hole, circling and teasing. He looked up at me for permission to continue. I nodded. "Sit back and try to relax." he pushed me down lightly with his free hand. He started out with two fingers, pushing in and out slowly and scissoring occasionally. It hurt at first but then the pain disappeared and he added another finger. It felt really good and I wanted more. He repeated the action for a while and then stopped. I looked down at him and watched him pull his fingers out.

I just stared at his erect man hood. I watched as he poured more lube in his hand and he slowly stroked himself. He hissed at the sudden temperature change. He stopped after a moment or so after he was all lubed up and put the bottle back in the side table. He picked up my legs and wrapped them around his waist, scrunching his eyes closed when my cold auto-mail touched his hot flesh but ignored it. I tried to position myself to where it wouldn't touch him but he moved me back. He grabbed my hips and lowered himself, pushing in all the way in one motion. He was huge! I felt like I was being torn in half! It hurt, but not as bad as it should have. He moved hesitantly and carefully until it stopped hurting so much. "Move" was all I could say as I pulled his face down to mine and kissed him. He pulled in and out slowly at first and then quickened his pace a little. It felt amazing. All I could do is wiggle and moan as I dug my nails into his back. Then he hit a spot that made me scream his name. "Roy, there! D-do it again!" I moaned rather loudly as he smiled at me as he pounded into me, aiming for that one spot, hitting it dead on every time. My hand found its way to the back of Roy's head and I pulled him in close to my face. He whispered my name. Panting and sweating, he kept the same pace. Roy closed the space between our lips, tongues dancing in the others mouth. He pulled out almost to the head of his erection and pushed in all the way, every time. He moved faster, harder, slower, more gentle when I asked. He was thrusting wildly into me, I was stroking my throbbing erection in time with his thrusts. With every thrust into me, I pushed back to hit that spot harder. "Ohhhh! R-Roy!" He was sweating and panting, I was gasping and moaning, wiggling under his hot muscular body. It felt so good in every part of my body I didn't know how to respond except to moan his name over and over. "R-Roy! Roy!" I said, pushing into him as he thrust in. I moaned again. He attacked my mouth, raiding it with his tongue aggressively.

I was so close as he started stroking me again. "R-r-Roy! I'm- AH!" I couldn't even say it. He hit that special spot directly and made me groan. He moaned my name as I came all over his chest and mine. He grunted and whispered something in my ear as I felt him come inside me. It was hot and wet and I could feel it leaking out. I felt him pull out tiredly, followed by his semen seeping out. He held my hand and collapsed next me. We both gave into sleep.


	5. Chapter 5: Dispair and Denial

******This is the shortest chapter I will write, I know I'm like two weeks late. Lots of family stuff like my mom went to the hospital, I fell behind in school work, etc. After you read this you going to be like "WHAT! I WAITED TWO WEEKS FOR THIS!? WTF!" but it's okay I'm posting again, this is not the end. (I have a horrible feeling I'm going to receive some hate from this.) Please rate & review?**

**~VampiricBloodGoddess  
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**Chapter 5: Despair and Denial**

I woke up with warm arms around me and surrounded by the sweet scent of something that was purely Roy. I pressed my back up against Roy's warm body snuggling deeper into his chest. I heard the downstairs phone ringing. I glanced at the clock on Roy's end table, an hour before we had to be at work. We should get up and shower, wouldn't want to go to work reeking of sex. I rolled over to face the bastard. "Rooooooy." He wiggled a few times and groaned. I poked his nose a few times, "Hey, get up. We need to get a shower before work." I watched his eyes open quickly as he jumped on top of me pinning me to the bed. "A shower with you, hmmm. Sounds captivating." My face instantly became red as I stuttered, "W-well I-" Roy just laughed. "Shut up!" I pushed him off me and stormed off to the bathroom in the guest room locking it behind me, he can use the downstairs one. Why did he have to embarrass me like that? I turned on the shower and jumped in immediately drowning out what Roy was saying through the door. Then I heard the phone ring, again.

After dressing and cleaning up the breakfast mess Roy and I headed out. Before I put my shoes on the phone rang again, "Who would be calling now?" Roy picked up the phone, "Seriously? They hung up." and with that we left. We climbed into his car with his personal driver. Roy didn't even have to say anything and the man was driving. "So who called earlier? When I was in the shower." I looked over at Roy who was barely awake even after two cups of coffee. "Dunno, there was no answer." I went back to looking out the window. The sky was a sickly grey and black, the fog was thick, and the air was cold. It made me uncomfortable because yesterday was so bright and warm.

We arrived at Central Headquarters within half an hour, it was the longest drive of my life; no conversation took place. I stepped out of the car and Roy followed I already forgave him mentally for this morning, though it should have been verbalized. I think he caught on. We walked up the stairs and through the first hall past the front desk. Out of the corner of my eye I notice a figure run past me. "What the hell was that!" I was pushed aside into the wall then to the floor. "What was what?" Roy offered me his hand helping me up, "You alright?" I brushed myself off looking in the direction the shadow had run off in. "Yeah I'm fine. Don't worry about it, but what was that?" Roy shrugged but the look on his face said he knew something was wrong too, we started walking again. We passed random soldiers and other co-workers on the way to Roy's office. It was so quiet.

I probably wasn't going to do much work, now that I think about it I rarely have to do much of anything. Bypassing Havoc and Riza who were nose deep into whatever they were doing and Breda and Falman arguing with Fury over something he did. I didn't care so much to dwell on it, it was their business. Roy and I walked into his office closing the door behind us, I heard Roy make a strange noise as I turned to look at him, his face turned pale and had a look of complete fear. I turned to see what was in the room and recognized the source. In the middle of the room was a dark pool of blood and chalk. On top of the pool was a large mound of metal and flesh. I could feel my heart stop, breathing cease, and my body become paralyzed when I saw the face. Alphonse.

I could feel my legs shake and my vision began to blur, either from tears or my brain trying to make me block out the familiar figure in front of my feet. I couldn't hear Roy screaming for help or the panic of the soldiers who ran in and immediately back out, only muffled noise. The mound of fused metal and flesh that was Alphonse was talking, and I couldn't hear him. I felt two arms on either side of me dragging me back, all of a sudden my body could move and I began to breathe again. I fought, kicked, and screamed all while tears flooded my face. "ALPHONSE!" pushing, shoving, and biting. I reached for him, more arms wrapped around me pulling me out of the room. "NO! ALPHONSE! LET ME GO YOU IDIOTS, HE'S MY BROTHER LET ME GO!" I felt a sharp pain in my side and everything went black.


	6. Chapter 6: Rage and Negotiations

******Hey, this isn't the end. There should be about ten chapters(maybe more). This chapter moves a little fast but I'm tired and have been up all night writing and thinking of where I'm going with this. I have up til' the next chapter figured out so now all I have to do is physically write it out edit it and finally fell like shit because I killed Alphonse like the jerk I am. :/ **

**Thank you all by the way who review! Makes me want to write more, I try to respond to most of them but I think it's a little weird so I'm going to stop unless it's important.  
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**Chapter 6: Rage and Negotiations**

I woke up to a bright light in my face. Blinking rapidly I tried to adjust to the light, despite being groggy and light headed from being drugged. I tried to move. My arms and legs were strapped down to a hospital bed. I panicked as I remembered the horrific figure that was my brother gruesomely transmuted in Roy's office. I struggled harder against my restraints. "You're awake!" my eyes widened, it was Roy, his face was still pale and he looked as if he hadn't slept in weeks. "Where's Al!?" I barely choked out, my throat was so dry. Roy's hand dropped on mine squeezing tight, "H-he..." he inhaled deeply and closed his eyes. He looked like he was fighting back tears, he wouldn't even look at me. "He's dead." I let my head fall back onto the pillow and stared lifelessly at the light above me, a wave of cold chills ran up my body. Tears fled from my eyes, I couldn't make a sound. I felt movement on my arms and legs, apparently Roy untied me. Weight shifted near my legs, Roy sat next to me holding my hand again. He was saying something but I couldn't hear him, or I refused to hear him. I'm not sure. There's no way this is real.

I don't remember falling asleep again but when I woke up Roy was at the foot of my bed, still here with me. I tried my best to move without waking him but the bed was creaky and old. Roy jumped up before I could even sit up. "Are you okay, do you need something? I can help you..." his voice trailed off, he was barely able to open his eyes and keep them open. "You should go home and get some sleep." I tried getting up again but Roy was laying across my legs. "There is no way I'm leaving you alone, especially now." Roy helped me up and put my shoes on. My legs were like jelly and my equilibrium was off. Roy ended up carrying me to a wheel chair and pushing me out to the nurses station. He was talking to the doctor about my release. Riza was out in the waiting room on the other side of the glass doors. She stood when she saw me. I just stared at her, Roy was talking again. Roy pushed me through the glass doors, Riza ruffled my messy hair that was half braided. I took the hair tie out and put it in my pocket. Roy and Riza were whispering, I didn't care. They were taking me outside, it was still cold and dark like it had been raining. "Ed!" I jumped when I heard Riza yell. "What!?" Riza looked worried, she had good reason to. "I'm sorry, what were you saying?" she sighed and touched my shoulder before saying goodbye and heading back inside. "Why is she going back inside?" Roy didn't say anything. "Hey, don't ignore me." I grabbed his wrist and stood up, "Why is she going back?" I was angry now.

Roy wrapped his arms around me and help me tight repeating the same inaudible phrase. I held him back, it started to rain. Headlights shined on us, it was Roy's driver. The old man was yelling at us to get in the car. It was pouring hard, the rain hit the roof of the car like bullets. Both of us were soaked, the driver threw two large blankets in the back to us. "Cover up, I'll have you home soon." with that he rolled up the window that was between the front and back seats. Roy wrapped his arm around me pulling me close to him. He had a strong grip on my automail arm, he passed out. I just sat there thinking.

We stripped from our wet clothes as soon as we entered the upstairs bedroom. I wrapped myself with a towel and ran a hot bath. I left the door open so Roy wouldn't get suspicious if I took too long, which didn't matter because Roy sat on the counter watching me. The bathroom was steamy fogging up the mirrors, Roy was already dressed in night clothes, he was sitting on the counter with one leg up to rest his chin on his knee. "You'll turn into a raisin and rust if you stay in there too long." Roy tried smiling but looked so very tired. "You'll get gray hair by tomorrow stressing over me." I tried joking back but it felt so wrong to be joking when not even twenty hours ago, Alphonse died. "I'm not stressed, I'm... just concerned." he lifted his head and rolled up his sleeves before scooting off the counter. He knelt next to the tub, "You don't have to." he reached in and pulled the cork to drain the tub. "If I don't something is bound to happen, for example the water is freezing now and you didn't even notice." he was right. The bathroom was clear and mirror wasn't fogged up. Roy gave me a large towel. "You're shivering and you didn't notice." I dressed myself before cleaning up my dirty clothes and placing them in the guest room laundry hamper.

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"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T BE ON THE CASE!?" Roy locked the case files on Alphonse's murder in his desk. It wasn't really his, we were in his old office from when he was a General. Due to the fact his was closed off as a crime scene and everything was considered evidence. I knew the desk was completely alchemy proof so there was no breaking in. "You were emotionally involved with Alphonse I can't allow you on the case Ed, if we want to get anywhere on this case we need to be strictly professional and not let our emotions lead us in the wrong direction. It also didn't help that the first quarter of the investigation we were suspects! I'm sorry." Roy stood from his desk with a handful of other files that needed to be distributed. It had been more than a month since Al was murdered. "What about you, you knew Al too. Why do you get to be involved?" Roy handed the pile of papers to Riza who left as quickly and as quietly as she had entered. "One, because I'm the Führer and I have to oversee everything, not just Alphonse's case. Two, I don't want to see this! But if you don't have to I will do everything in my power to keep you from that burden. Just remember Alphonse from when he was alive and not this." he punched his rental desk and sat down, running his fingers through his hair. He was infuriated. "Alphonse wasn't a burden! I wasted so much time with you that I could have spent with him, or prevented what happened to him!" I left his office without another word slamming the door behind me. He was emotionally involved with Al too technically, he knew us both on a personal level outside of work. This was completely unfair. I continued to storm the hallways, apparently I looked angry enough for everyone to ignore me and keep clear of my path. I flung the front doors open practically running down the stairs. I didn't know where I was going nor did I care, I just needed to get away from here. It was almost Autumn and it was getting colder and windy.

I walked a few blocks to a nearby park and wandered around for about an hour, or more I wasn't checking time. I stopped under a tree and threw myself in the grass. I laid there looking up at the clouds through the twisted naked tree branches while running my fingers through the grass. This is crazy, I can't be left in the dark about this and I can't be doing nothing either. I've done nothing the past month except sulk around feeling sorry for myself when I should have been out helping with the investigation. I found out recently why Riza went back into the hospital when I was released a month ago, it was where they took Alphonse's body. I don't know why who took me there thought it was a good idea to do that. Riza was the first to look over evidence and supervised the autopsy. I overheard the conversation this morning on my way to Roy's office, she was talking to Hughes. It was a human transmutation circle that was under his body in Roy's office. I was able to see some of it when I passed by, the doors were left open as people were examining and cleaning. Who ever did this had experience in alchemy, at least to some extent. I stood up brushing myself off and headed for my apartment. I left Roy's a few days ago, it's not like he was home anyway. He hadn't been in weeks. But then again that house isn't his **home** it's just where he hides from the public. So I decided if I'm going to be alone then I should be alone in a place that didn't remind me of Roy. A crackle of thunder rolled in the distance, it was going to rain again. The air felt colder as the wind blew harder. I had to get home quickly.

I unlocked my apartment door and flipped on the lights. It felt so empty without Al here making a ruckus with his strays, which were given away last week. I was almost never home to take care of them anyway so there was no point in making them suffer. I closed and locked the front door and advanced to the kitchen. I opened the fridge knowing there wasn't anything good in there that I wanted, but I looked anyway only to close the door and go to my room. I undressed slowly to change into warmer clothes, on my way back to the family room I checked the thermostat to make sure the heat was on. It wasn't so it was super cold. I opened the blinds on the front window that gave me a view of the park I came from and buildings surrounding it. It was already raining violently by the time I sat at the dining table in front of the window. I watched the rain blur my view of outside and lightning flash in the distance. The thunder rumbled causing items in the house to audibly vibrate. I hated being alone so much, not because of feeling vulnerable but because of the silence was driving me mad. I continued to stare out the window until around eight at night, about four hours, when it became too dark to see and the street lights came on. The rain let up only slightly. I would do anything, give anything, to have just one more day with Al.

I though about earlier and how I went off on Roy. I realized how selfish I was and how horrible what I said must have hurt. It was dark in the room, I stood and felt for the light switch. I adjusted to the quick change from dark to light. I made my way to the kitchen again. I grabbed my address book, Al's was in the same drawer along with his book of things he wanted to do and try when he got his body back. I tried to ignore it and removed my address book looking for Roy's work number, I never thought to memorize it but at least I had it. There's no telling when this rain will stop and I can't take a chance out there with all the lightning, being half metal and in the middle of a lightning storm isn't a good combination. I walked over to the phone and dialed reading the number off twice to be sure I dialed correctly. It rang five times before it was answered, "Hello, what is it now?" he sounded irritated. He must have been receiving calls all day again. "It's me." no response. "I just wanted to say sorry for earlier, I didn't mean what I said about you. I know you were trying to be nice about it but I kept instigating." I wasn't sure if he was still there or not, "I know, I know. I wasn't mad at you. I'm just a little stressed right now. I'm going home in a few minutes. Do you want me to stop by tonight?" I thought about it as I looked out the window. "I don't really think it would be safe, I mean my apartment is closer to where you are but with the weather I'd advise against it." the rain was still pounding on the window and the lightning stopped. "Why are you at your apartment?" I thought about my answer before actually voicing it. "I had to get rid of Al's cats. I'm not home often and they are attention driven animals, I don't care for cats as much as Al did. I didn't think it was fair to make them suffer with my existence. They weren't fans of me either though." I lied a little, they had been gone for a while. "Ah, well I can stop by if you want. I'll even bring dinner if you want. I'm sure you've got nothing in your fridge at home, you haven't been there in months." it was nice of him to offer and it was true except the part where I hadn't been here for months, I've had a week to restock the house and I haven't. "Alright." I agreed without even thinking about it.


	7. Chapter7 Disconsolation and Recognition

**Chapter 7: Disconsolation and Recognition**

I hung up the phone after I heard the click of Roy put the phone down, I sat at the bar stool in the kitchen. I was on the third floor so it wasn't easy to see the walkways, all I would able to see are umbrella covers above the main entrance. So I didn't watch for Roy's car. I shuffled through the papers on the counter, it was mostly junk mail and bills. After sorting them I dropped them in a the basket on the counter near the fridge and trashed the junk mail. I looked around me to find something to occupy myself from my thoughts. I began cleaning up the house a bit. Sweeping, wiping, mopping, dusting, scrubbing, from one end to the next. Alphabetize my books, there wasn't much of anything left to do... I sat on the couch and I waited. I stared in the general direction of the window, through the rain and saw flashes of headlights reflect against the buildings, back and forth. I stood and closed the blinds and turned off a few lights, leaving only the one in the kitchen and front hall on. It was still cold. I turned up the heat a little more.

I heard a knock on my door twenty minutes later, I peeked through the eye piece. It was Roy. I unlocked all three locks and swung the door open. "Well someone's excited." Roy looked awful even though he was smiling. He looked so tired and beat down. He was wearing regular civilian clothes rather than his uniform. I frowned immediately and helped him in with the take out. This time it was burgers and fries rather than Xing knock off take out. Which was good because I was really tired of Xing food.

"You look terrible, when was the last time you slept? I mean really slept, as in more than a few hours." I caressed his tired face. "Dunno." he was fighting sleep sitting with me. "You should go to bed, it's only 11PM right now. If you go now you should be rested well enough to not look like your... anyway come on." I practically dragged him to the bed. He soon complied. I grabbed spare blankets from the closet and Roy helped me make the bed up with the extra blankets before we crawled under. This was the first time we shared a bed in a long time. I felt exhausted but I couldn't fall asleep. No matter which way I tried to lay I felt uncomfortable. I tossed and turned restlessly for what felt like forever, was only thirty minutes. I slammed my face into my pillow and sighed loudly in immense frustration.

I sat up and stared at the alarm clock next to my bed, there was barely any light in the room but enough to make out the time. It was five minutes until midnight. I just sat and listened to the clicking of the clock, Roy breathing next to me, and cars racing through the rain. Lightning would light up the room every now and again for a moment and thunder would rattle my things on the shelves. I rested my head on my knees, wrapping my arms around my legs, I thought about my life.

I couldn't bring myself to go into Al's room. There wasn't anything in it anymore aside from a bed, not that there was much to begin with. Winry came down a week after she heard Al was murdered and took his things home and had a funeral. Since there was no body to burn or be buried and the armor was in evidence, they took all his belongings and put them in a steel box. I believe they buried it next to mom's grave. I didn't even know what they were doing until Aunt Pinako called to yell at me for not being there, turned out Winry purposely didn't tell me and lied to Pinako about calling me to inform me they were having a funeral. Winry won't talk to me and Pinako doesn't call anymore. The only one who talks to me anymore are Roy, Hughes and his family, and Hawkeye.

I'm limited to knowing what is going on with Alphonse's case, so far all their leads were dead ends and they are going to file it away as **Unsolved** in a month if they don't get any leads that are useful. Al and I have made some enemies over the years but most of them have died, others are securely locked away, and the rest are incapable of it. I got up and moved as quietly as I could back to the main room and sat on the couch, it was still raining. I didn't bother turning on any lights because I wasn't doing anything other than sitting. I mimicked the position I was in when I sat in bed, with my arms around my knees. I stared blankly into the dark room with the occasional flash of lightning that would light up the room and the rumble of thunder would vibrate through the room. I sat like that for a couple hours before becoming tired enough to sleep.

When I woke up Roy was gone, I wasn't surprised or anything but I was disappointed. I glanced at the clock as I stood. Roy would be in work now. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to walk out into the hall and not be greeted by Alphonse's daily routine of making sure I cared for myself, but I got up and opened the door. I stared at the white wall. I looked down the empty hall and walked towards the front room. Sitting at the table by the window was Roy reading through files and drinking coffee. He looked up after hearing the loud clicking of my automail leg on the hard floor. I didn't feel sad or depressed at that moment. I sat in silence for a moment. "I'm sorry." Roy put down his files and sat across from me. "Why are you sorry?" I paused and thought for a moment before answering. "I was depressed and thoughtlessly spent a lot of time with you and we did some things I don't think I was quit ready for, not because of age or anything but mentally I wasn't thinking of consequences. I spent almost a week with you and during that time Alphonse was trying to get in touch with me and I didn't know it. I was so angry with you for months because being with you made me forget I was supposed to be taking care of Alphonse. I felt like my automail wasn't a feature worth being self-conscious about or something to be fixed but rather something that made me, me." I stopped and thought of how I could express the guilt that was eating at me into words.

"I felt guilty and selfish for thinking this and completely forgot Alphonse needed me, his body needed to be fixed so he could experience the happiness I was feeling. I felt so useless because I wasn't allowed to be apart of the investigation because my connection to him would have led me to react irrationally and recklessly, I knew this and blamed you still. I sat around doing nothing but festering in my anger and guilt for months. Then, I was yelling at you like it was your fault I felt that way, your fault I forgot, your fault Alphonse died when really it was mine. Don't tell me it's not because it is!" This was the point I felt myself start to cry. "And then the most awful thought occurred to me. Since Alphonse isn't here anymore... I could be happy again and not worry about having to fix the mistake we made all those years ago, I could live with the loss of my limbs Alphonse couldn't live without a body." I sat there in silence. Roy sat next to me and leaned into me.

I felt so angry with myself, how could I rationally think that this feeling was alright? I lost my brother by a gruesome murder and all I can think about is being with Roy and being happy. "Alphonse wasn't murdered." Jumping up and knocking Roy to the floor I bolted to the table Roy was sitting at and violently shifted through the documents.


End file.
